I often think.

Family. What an odd word that it to my ears. It is bandied about on Eastenders as a term of affiliation; something that has to be adhered to and cherished. I can honestly say I have never felt such great emotions about the concept of 'family'.  I was born into a family of 6 children, 5 boys and one girl. There was roughly two to three years between each of the children. Mum and Dad got married because Mum was pregnant with my eldest brother H. I was later told that my Mum had a miscarriage of a girl. To this day I don't know where she fitted in.  I am the second youngest. My Dad died 12/12/1960 leaving the family virtually penniless. I was 4 years old. Victorian values. I was brought up in what should be described as a Victorian household. My Mum was born into a big family with many brothers and sisters. How many? Who knows? She never, ever, told us that fact, we had to divine it. Her own parents were born in Victoria's reign. She grew up in such circumstances so ...

Living with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) : A Survivors perspective. Living with DID is sometimes, in fact most of the time, not easy. I had a formulation of DID late in life, in fact two years ago; I am 60. I have been in therapy in one form or another for 25 years or more. I have no head count or names to my ‘alters’ but I know they exist. My therapist and my wife have both noticed them as have I over the years. I and we have an ‘adult’ operating side but a child running alongside me shouting “Look at me!”  Another child runs on the opposite side shouting “Don’t let them hurt me again!” as I try to operate in the adult world. I live in an almost permanent state of dysthymia. I rarely smile as smiles can be ‘taken away’.  Someone will ask “What you are smiling for?” which I take as a criticism and an attack; so I stop smiling. I describe myself as agelastic. I tell someone or something to “Fuck off” at regular intervals throughout my day; this happens for ...