Skip to main content

Long range Aquarian for 2013


The Lady Aquarian:
A jumper knitted by a parent or relative blights your weekend attire and wardrobe. Day time TV greatly influences your sex life; however work colleague buys you a subscription to Lady magazine. Increasingly your left hand will not know what the right hand is doing.
New shoes might be the answer to your mumbled prayers on Wednesday. 
For the Aquarian worker a tidy income can be gained by using your expenses claim wisely. A curry with your Scrabble team ends in arrest for one or more of the team.  Your Findus frozen TV Dinner meal collection will bring big rewards on e-bay soon! Look sharp!
A friend of the family hints that you are a fool at at a Silver Wedding celebration. 
Genital warts could blight your Blitz spirit!
A dog will look at you sideways soon; ignore this and move on with your life.
The electronic music of Adele lifts your spirits on Tuesdays as it is a bootleg copy.
Taffeta is your fabric of choice this Easter! A bag of chocolate ants melts when you put them on the dashboard of the car. A finger of fudge is just enough, you find. 
A loved one regales you with inappropriate or illegal underwear however a new Damart catalogue plays a large part in your decision to have chicken for dinner. 
A close friend will ask you to hide some money; but you are tempted to buy new trainers with it as she can't prove you have it. 
A Fox fur stole or Mink coat is left to you in a will.  
A night out with the girls is a pleasant distraction from your yeast infection; but be careful of passing it on to a one night stand or a wash stand. 
A girlfriend uses your lipstick and gives you herpes. 
The music of Genesis greatly boosts your love life.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Protein Man of Oxford Street- Stanley Owen Green.

I wrote this Obituary piece for The Guardian about Stanley Green while I was an undergraduate at Goldsmiths' College.  I contacted The Guardian and asked them if I could submit it for publication. It was sent off to them and I waited in eager anticipation for their reply. It was published on Wednesday January 26th 1994,   the Editor  made no changes or additions except by adding some photographs (the photographs used here are later additions by me): "A Consuming Passion.... Stanley Owen Green who has died aged aged 78, was that tall thin man with steel-rimmed glasses who marched it seemed for an eternity up and down London's Oxford Street. It was his banner that made him famous, held high above his head and proclaiming "LESS LUST FROM PROTEIN" in large white letters. Underneath the banner he endured the taunts of sticky schoolchildren and the spittle of office workers alike, to bring his unique, indeed puzzling message to the people of London. He later wate...
3 comments
Read more

The telephone, the typewriter and the confused.

My life seems to be littered with conversations such as the one told below. If you look on my blog you’ll see ‘Hypo or Hyper’ and ‘The Blackbird in the Garden’ and the triumph that was ‘The Telephone’. All are based on the other person’s misunderstanding of a content of my life, or their life. I sometimes, in fact often, continue conversations purely for the humour that results from them.   # Ooooowh, what’s that noise? It’s just my phone. #Sounds like an old typewriter Yep, it is. It’s for my texts. #That must take a long time. What? #Typewriting texts. It doesn’t type them, it’s only a notification. #Mine is a ping, like a microwave. Mine was too. I changed it so I would know I have a text. #But you must have to wait a while for it to be typed. No, it’s just a notification noise. I downloaded it. #How does it send texts then if it uses a typewriter. It doesn’t use a typewriter, it’s only the notification sound. #Mine just pings and the message ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Music Teacher

I   recollect aged about 10 having an argument, a strong disagreement,   with the music teacher at my Primary School. Iin fact it was one of many that I had with her. I don’t why but she just irritated the young David; she was not a soft teacher, she had no hesitation in throwing you out of the room. Possibly that was it, there was physical retribution taken, she was one of the few teachers that didn’t mete out the ruler or cane. I had to test her. Of course I did, it was natural for me to do so. Anyway it started out with her plonking away on the piano as she always did at the start of a ‘lesson’; lesson being a loose term for her didactic approach to teaching, we had to enjoy music, we had no choice. I did in fact love music, I still do.I just found her approach less than welcoming. As she plonked away on the piano for a few minutes we took our places on the floor.   She then dramatically stood up in the way teachers with an artistic bent do a...
3 comments
Read more