Skip to main content

The Mother In Law's Phone

The phone rings at my home. Well it 'cascades' really, I can't get over using 'rings' as a means of description.
Anyway, the 'phone goes.
'Hiya Mum'
'How did you know it was me?'
'The 'phone tells me...yours does too.'
'Oh that's clever, how does it do that?'
'We programmed your 'phone, it's the same as ours. Remember you've got the same phone. Yours does it too.'
'Does it?'
'Yep....don't you remember we put all your 'phone numbers into it? That means when it rings you can see who is 'phoning you.'
'That's clever...I didn't know it did that.'
'Haven't you noticed?'
'Oh I just pick it up.....'
'But the 'phone tells you who is calling if it's in your 'phone, so you can see who is calling before you pick it up. Like I just did. Don't you remember? You can go through the directory button and just press the green button and it will 'phone that person....'
'Oh I don't do that in case I 'phone the wrong number.....'
'You can't 'phone the wrong number Mum, we programmed all your numbers into the 'phone....'
'I know you did that, it's just when I write them down I sometimes get them wrong....'
'Why are you writing them down?'
'So I can 'phone them....'
'But when you find the 'phone number you need you just press the green button and it will 'phone the person...'
'I don't trust it to 'phone the right number, that's why I write it down and dial it into the 'phone.....'
'You don't need to Mum.....it will do it automatically.....'
'Oh I can't be bothered with all that.....'

So the two hours of programming all her 'phone numbers into the damn thing were sodding well wasted! Shoot me when I get old.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Protein Man of Oxford Street- Stanley Owen Green.

I wrote this Obituary piece for The Guardian about Stanley Green while I was an undergraduate at Goldsmiths' College.  I contacted The Guardian and asked them if I could submit it for publication. It was sent off to them and I waited in eager anticipation for their reply. It was published on Wednesday January 26th 1994,   the Editor  made no changes or additions except by adding some photographs (the photographs used here are later additions by me): "A Consuming Passion.... Stanley Owen Green who has died aged aged 78, was that tall thin man with steel-rimmed glasses who marched it seemed for an eternity up and down London's Oxford Street. It was his banner that made him famous, held high above his head and proclaiming "LESS LUST FROM PROTEIN" in large white letters. Underneath the banner he endured the taunts of sticky schoolchildren and the spittle of office workers alike, to bring his unique, indeed puzzling message to the people of London. He later wate...
3 comments
Read more

The Roswell Returns

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” As those words echoed around Mission Control in Houston a round of spontaneous applause broke out across the site and in the control room. There were yelps and hollers of triumph echoing around the whole of NASA that momentous day in July 1969. In the Command Module Michael Collins was monitoring the vital controls that kept it orbiting the Moon. He flipped the carbon dioxide uptake switch, looked at the battery charge meters, oxygen levels and closely watched the radar screen. He sat back in his flight chair and watched the instrumentation flick and whirr. He daren’t relax, he didn’t relax at all. He paid great attention to the radar screen as he was commanded to. He had to monitor it for spooks, intruders or ghosts. He knew he was looking for Foo Fighters. They did show up on radar, aircrews had confirmed that as fact. It was how fast they appeared and disappeared that threw most pilots. There had been warnings by the ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Nation Of Revolting Shopkeepers

The Nation of Revolting Shopkeepers. A General Election was called on 12th December 2019 in the wake of constant defeats for the Conservative government. They threw in the towel and admitted defeat in trying to broker an acceptable Brexit deal. A majority anti-EU government was returned: they were The Guardians Of Brexit party. The 48/52 divide had become 30/70. The Guardians Of Brexit stormed into power; standing with the slogan: "We'll see off Johnny Foreigner. Vote for The Guardians of Brexit." They secured a landslide result like Thatcher or Blair many years before them. The UK population was sick of Brexit and had voted for what they perceived was a decisive government that would secure them a speedy exit from the European Union they so wanted. Many of the first referendum voters had thought the UK was instantly out of the EU the very day after the vote on the 23 rd of June 2016 and resented this election, only the really motivated anti EU voters mob...
Post a Comment
Read more