I would love to have had children

I would love to have had the privelege of having a child. 

When I was growing up peole used to say idiot things like 'You wait until you get kids of yer own' and bollocks like that. The 16 year old me used to dread the responsibility of having a child to look after. The older me clung to that belief too.

Then MrsD and I  looked at each other and realised what was missing in our life, a child.

Then came the tests. The bloody tests. We were sat in a Maternity Clinic, this was 1988/9, with all the ladies sitting, doing the rubbing their bump thing that pregnant ladies do and still do. 

MrsD and I were treated like lepers. The nurses who staffed the unit treated us shoddily; like it was our fault that we needed their help, rather than just 'falling pregnant' like the women around us had: According to the stories that we overheard.

The humiliation of producing a sperm sample followed. This was duly sent off for analysis. We were called in for the result.

The nurse curtly told me that I had to put all the sperm into the test tube. Not just some of it. I had put all of in the tube, a fairly simple process.

I then had to produce another sample. This was sent off for analysis. The result came back and again we were called in. The nurse told me I had to put all the sperm into the test tube. She then proceeded to show me how to place my penis so that it captured all of the sample.

I had to produce another sample of sperm.

The results came back. 

'Had I captured all of the sample, like I had been shown?' I was asked

'Yes'.

There was a pause, '....then you have azoospermia.' Bye.

'Hold on what does that mean?'

'It means you are not producing sperm.' Bye.

'But where does that leave us?'

'You'll need to go back to your GP.'

We did. 

In between this MrsD was subjected to various tests that determined whether she was capable of bearing a child. We never found out those results.We'll never know now.

Our GP gave us the option of adopting or donor sperm. Great.

Adopting was out if you have read my earlier piece on my formative years; I was sexually abused as a child. I was terrified that they, social workers, would  poke and prod around my private life. I have since learned that they would have done so; agressively and with no mercy.

It sounds silly but in the middle of all of this I vaguely recollect a 'Fools and Horses' episode that I half saw, it is a loathsome programme, in which the character Boycey was taunted for being a 'Jaffa', seedless, by the other characters. Oh how funny. (The telly buffs amongst you might say this was later than 1988/9, but the jibe resonated with me.)

Donor sperm was expensive to buy and very intrusive as we had to travel to Harley Street to have it done. Also MrsD was looking to her career, she had just been promoted. Other private factors intruded as well. So that avenue was abandoned.

We were effectively abandoned by the NHS because we could not produce our own child.

I have since found out, in 2000, that I have a rare genetic patterning that makes me sterile/have azoospermia.

I would love to have had a child to teach, protect, cuddle and sing silly songs to.....but I haven't. And never will have.