"Two bottles of water please." Or my protracted attempt to communicate that request in Auldham (Oldham).

I went to my niece’s wedding in Oldham a few years back and it being a warm day I was feeling thirsty.  I ventured out into the wide world from the church venue to buy a couple of bottles of cold water for my wife and myself.

Little did I know what problems such an innocuous pursuit would bring me.

I found a sandwich shop with such dubious items as ‘Filled Barm Cakes’ advertised in the window. Glancing in their shop window they had bottled water in a chiller cabinet.  Why I had to check first I know not. Did ‘they’ drink water in Oldham?

I breezed in and joined the short queue.

My turn to be served came, the shop was empty save for me and the few assistants.

“Can I have two bottles of water please?”

The assistant froze and stared blankly back at me,

“Eh?” was all she could manage in reply.

Thinking my English was lacking I corrected myself,

“May I have two small bottles of water please?” I helpfully pointed to the bottled water in the chiller cabinet in front of the assistant, her name badge proclaimed her to be Val. She was about 60 and a typical, if there is such a thing, ‘school dinner lady’ type. She stared blankly back at me like a rabbit caught in headlights; unblinking and looking terrified.

My mind raced had I accidentally used my bad holiday Greek and asked for it in Greek?

“Yiassus, theo bookali nero parakalo”

I had been trying to learn some simple, helpful, phrases before we went on holiday.

I was certain I hadn’t used Greek.

Had my inner mad-bad-dangerous-to-know sub-Tourette’s syndrome taken over and I had asked her if she did it Doggy? 
I was terrified. My mind raced. What had I said to frighten the poor woman? No. I was certain none of those things had happened.

Val stood statue like and stared at me.
I felt like a Siren tempting Seafarers onto the rocks and their certain deaths.(Not that I consider myself beautiful or alluring!)  I seemed to have her under some sort of spell. I wasn’t sure what but she seemed mesmerised by me.

A look of half terrified uncertainty fleeted across her face.

“Water….bottled water.” I said to reinforce my request.
Again I helpfully pointed to the chiller cabinet and the bottled water in case she was deaf or had a communication problem.

There was still no register on Val’s face, none whatsoever. Not a sausage, (this being a sandwich shop).

Val tilted her head sideways, one eye fixed on me lest I make a sudden unexpected lunge towards her.

“Eh? Hold on lad.”

I had a fleeting image of her staunchly defending her filled barm cakes and baps from such a savage attack.

“Don’t you touch my baps lad or there’ll be trouble!”

Back in reality Val broke the silence,

“Jean! Jean, can you come ‘ere for a mo’?”

“OK Val, won't be a mo’ just finish this sarnie.”

Meanwhile at the other end of the small shop lads came in and collected their orders of sandwiches and drinks:

“Hiya Rob.”

“Hiya luv, got my sarnies ready? Cheese and Pickle, Oh and a Coke.”

“Aye, £3.50 luv. Ta.”

“Ta luv. See ya!”

“See ya luv.”

“Hiya….”

“Hiya, got me order made up luv?”

“Aye….”

And so the selling of sandwiches and drinks continued hand over fist at that end of the shop counter.

I was standing there suited and booted waiting to make the simple purchase of two bottles of water. I felt like a catering size tin of Spam waiting to be sliced.

Jean came out the backroom prep area.

Her name badge had Jane on it.

“What Val?”

“Not sure what this lad wants Jean.”

I had obviously strayed over the border and should have brought a translator.

Jane stared at me for a few milliseconds. She was obviously sizing me up as an interloper and a possible troublemaker. She had me down as a pin striped thug from some unknown land. I was pure trouble in a suit and tie.

“Can I help you lad?”

I drew on all my RP reserves, after all everyone understands every single word newsreaders say on the BBC.

“May I have two bottles of still water please Jane?” I glanced at her name badge to reassure myself that I hadn’t misread it and was she actually called Jean.

“Eeee, Val, lad wants two bokkles of water lass!”

With that Jane strode back into the sandwich prep area and glanced back half smiling, half perplexed.

I fashioned a weak smile back.

Val looked non-plussed and slowly reached into the chiller cabinet and took hold of a single bottle of still water and put it on the counter.

“Two please.” I said.

She had gone into mental overload at this point.

Val pointed at the bottle.

“Two?” she said.

“Aye, two.” I replied. Where the hell did that “Aye.” Come from?

“Eee….” Val muttered. She reached into the cabinet again and took another bottle of water and put it onto the counter.

“£1 please.” She said.

I handed her a £1 coin.

“Do keep the change.” I said. I knew that was vicious and unnecessary.

Val looked at the coin and looked up at me, looked at the coin and looked up at me. Val beeped a few buttons and then she put the money into the till.

I turned and made my way to the door.

“Ey, Jean, don’t he talk funny like?” she said. I was barely out of earshot.

“Aye.” said Jane sagely in reply.

I did, however, manage to get to the wedding but that escapade had given me a raging thirst for some reason.